Here I am. and yet I am noWhere.

Here I am. I sold everything I own and boiled my 31 years of life down to 6 totes, a guitar, set of golf clubs, and a snowboard bag. And now, I am on the road permanently for the unforeseeable future. SAY WHAT?

If you asked me one year ago if I could have foreseen my self in this situation, I would have called absolute bollocks on you. Sure, I could have said it was possible but whether it would actually come to fruition… well that’s where the belief runs out. I had a mortgage on a beautiful condo of which I had been starting to invest in to make it truly my own space (shout out to the amazing Somer Hayes for her incredible interior design help). I also had two of the most special and deeply loved fur babies a girl could ever want (shout out to Junior and PeeWee <3) . They were my babies… I’d been their momma since they were just little kittens and they had been my side kicks and major support network for 6 years. I had a car that was equally considered a member of the family (oh Pearl… how I love you) that took me on all the best adventures. And finally, I had a life, a good job, amazing friends, and familiarity in the city I’d been living in for the last 13 years. I had roots. So to think about leaving all of that behind was seemingly foolish and even more improbable to imagine it ACTUALLY happening.

All I was going off of was this vague but growing feeling that where I was and what I was doing, was not where or who I ultimately was, meant to be, or wanting to be. I knew I wanted change. No. More than that. I could feel this kneading and deep desire for freedom. A freedom I couldn't really remember but my soul seem to know it needed to have. I didn't know how or what that really meant for a long time. But, through small changes towards that concept and feeling of freedom, the eventual idea that came to seed was that I wanted to move to Scotland and live in a van. Full transparency, I am writing this blog post from South America which may be confusing. hahaha. But to make a long story short Scotland and van life is still the end game... but the freedom in me called me to be in South America first! But none the less, the Moto is the same. I had the idea that in order to give myself the freedom that I ultimately craved and desired at this time in my life, I would need to truly be free. Unattached and with zero responsibility with the exception of myself. That meant selling my home, my car, and everything I own, rehoming my cats, and releasing myself from any and all responsibilities, commitments, and obligations.

Well.... needless to say, whilst pondering this idea, all the stories came up. And when I say ALL, I mean that what I list here is only a fraction of the stories that came through over the course of this massive paradigm shift. But to get a gist of it, the stories go something like this: “I can’t abandon my cats. I told them I would love them forever. They only know me and I’m their mom. I made a commitment to them. What would it say about me to break that commitment? I won’t be with them when they leave this world. That’s heartbreaking and unbearable. I’d be a terrible person and everyone will think I am selfish and don’t actually love them the way I say I do because I gave them away. I just can’t give them away. I couldn't live without their cute friggin faces in my life. What about my friends? My besties are having babies. Babies that won’t know me because I’m gone most of the time. And if I’m gone, will my friendships just disintegrate over time? I can’t lose my people. Then there’s the house. I’m a home-owner. Everyone seems to think it means so much to own a home and it means I’m successful, right? I am respected for owning my own home… do I want to lose that? What will people see in me if I don’t have this house? What will I have to show for myself? If I leave the market, I’ll never get back in. I’ll be seen as immature, reckless, and stupid for giving up my place and this investment. Which then ultimately means I’ll end up back in the renters market and we all know that’s seemingly an endlessly drowning money pit these days. Which ultimately means that I’ll be broke forever, always trying to get ahead and slaving away working to just stay afloat/comfortable. Don’t even get me started on work but just to sum it up, who and what will I be if I’m not a nurse? I’ll be a homeless, jobless, friendless wanderer… what will anyone ever see in me? Continuing on, if I don’t have a house or a job that pays well, how will I ever be financially successful or well off? So ultimately at the end of all of this I’ll just end up right back where I started and actually, likely even worse off. So basically this means it will all have been for nothing. And if that happens, everyone will think and see that I failed. I’ll just be a silly young girl, feeble-minded, who gave up everything she shouldn’t have just for some unrealistic and romanticized fantasy feeling. Some childish and grandeur sense of so-called freedom that actually doesn’t exist or coincide with living a successful and secure life in this day and age. I’ll have lost everything. And for what? Some fairytale thing that I don’t even know if it exists for me, or that I’m actually capable of doing or having, or if I actually want it, OR is it just that I want to escape the inevitable responsibilities in life?”.

Cue self-destruction. Insert existential dread. Hahahahaha.

See how fast that thought process went downhill? How easily one thought leads to the next, to the next, to the next? Steadily and undoubtedly leading me down a spiral of despair, failure, and contempt for myself? Convincing myself in every possible way not to do this. But in spite of all of that I still made it here. Those thoughts were present and they were exactly the concern that I needed. Once I heard them, once I watched them write themselves all over my brain, body, and soul, that’s when I knew that this potential massive life change that I was thinking of doing was most certainly what I needed to do.

When that trail of thought lead me down a path of fear, worry, dread, and intimidation, that’s when I saw that I was living my life constrained by limiting beliefs and truths that were ultimately not true (click the underlined if you want to read my thoughts on truth). I’d done enough internal self work to understand that none of those statements in that thought trail were true of me. I know my heart, I know my love, my abilities, and I know my worth is not defined by the things I own or the image I portray. I am not a failure and I have been quite successful in my life thus far. I know that those I love and who love me support, trust, and respect me and know I don’t make decisions such as these carelessly or without considerable thought/evaluation. And finally, I know that it truly doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me and the choices I make. It only matters how I feel within myself and the life I am living.

I know these things. But… the biggest and most powerful difference that this thought trail showed me was that I didn’t actually feel and sentiently embody the things I seemingly know. There were still parts of me that didn’t really believe with and within my whole body in the things I know. It emphasized that what I know hasn’t been fully integrated into my unconscious being from my conscious being. As well, it’s evident to me that I didn’t fully trust myself to be, maintain, or become the person I want to be. When I thought about following and giving into the thoughts, worries, and doubts of this thought trail, when I thought about staying in my job, my city, my house, and having the responsibility of my cats, I immediately felt trapped. I felt claustrophobic and anxious. I felt that I would be living small. And in that trail of thought and with those feelings, I undoubtedly recognized that they were not my truth and could not be my truth.

It was fear and it was doubt. It was the aversion and the angst of what it would require to actually step beyond the known and into the unknown; to hold, embody, and exude the sole responsibility of becoming my own person on my own path and living my life the way I know and need; and what it would mean, for the first time truly ever in my life, to actually be the leader, creator, and the originator of my life. It meant trusting that I know myself and trust in myself enough to believe in, to love, and to brave living beyond the mold and beyond the presets of the life I knew. And finally, it meant knowing that no matter where I land, it will be exactly where I'm meant to be to keep learning and growing in the evolution of Me. So, if I wanted to truly know myself, to truly trust myself, to rewire my beliefs, to embody the knowing I possessed, or to see who I truly am and what I’m truly capable of, no matter the outcome… I had to do this. I had to at least try.

This has most definitely not been an overnight process and commitment. It took a long time and is still taking time to integrate. There are still moments, especially now that I’m living this massive life change in full-swing, that I still question my purpose in and integrity about this decision to embark on this particular journey down this particular road. But all I do know is that I had to and have to try. I know that the infinite possibilities that exist in this world won’t appear by just doing the same thing in the same comfortable and unsatiated place I was living in before. I know what that feels like. And it did not feel good. It did not feel like life. So, I have to take responsibility for the life I live and create for the chance to live a life I truly love; and a life that I feel inspired by and expanded in.

So here I am. Choosing to acknowledge and honour the very stories that wanted to keep me small. The ones that were just trying to protect me, to keep me safe, and to keep me within the bounds of what is known. It is those stories that are the very ones that I needed to inspire, inform, and give me the strength and conviction to make the changes I have. I give deep love to those stories and to the parts of myself that are scared. I don’t know what’s next or any of what’s to come. But what I do know is that trying can never truly fail.

Special shout out to my parents (mom, dad, and step-mom), siblings, siblings-in-law, friends, and everyone I have met already that are supporting me and making me feel deeply held on this journey! I do not think I would be here and doing this without all of you and your love! So my deepest gratitude and love to all of you!

Cheers to the unknown and cheers to the inevitable successes and failures, laughs and tears, the ups and downs and all the beautiful in-betweens. Let’s just see what magic can be conjured, what wild can be explored, and what wonder can be inspired.