If you stop doing, you are left only with what you have to feel...

Since I’ve had more time to settle into my current life on the road, since all the ‘things’ I had planned to do in the first couple weeks have been completed, I have been left with the feeling of a “now what…?” situation. I keep saying to myself and to others that this journey I’m on is not a ‘trip’ or ‘travel’. It is my life. It is everyday life. It’s just a little bit of a different life than the one I was living before.

And well… it has become apparent that there really is nothing different about it with the exception of being in an unfamiliar location and with significantly less things distracting me from my Self and my life (mortgage, job, people, activities, routines, etc).

When I made the choice to change my life like this, I was basing it off a feeling that I was seeking to feel within in my being. I tried not to create expectations of what this feeling would feel like but just by the very nature of being human, I definitely dreamt and fantasized the expectations. Which I don’t 100% believe is a bad thing. There is room in the soul for dreams and hopes about what we want for and wish for in our lives, most importantly how we want to feel. I think this is what gives us direction and motivation for creation. So even though there was some fantasizing and imaging happening, I will say that I was fairly disciplined in giving myself a direction back to grounding because I knew I could not possibly anticipate or imagine what this would actually be or feel like. And I did this because I wanted to give it the freedom to be whatever it needed and wanted to be for me. But none less, there was still a process of expectation created… which can be a dangerous and slippery slope.

However, the work that is now coming up for me has been about becoming present with my expectations. When I created my expectations, what I had yet to fully comprehend was that expectations only truly account for about 5 minutes MAX in a day, to put a comparison on it. I think as humans what we often forget or get lost in is that there are another 23hours and 55 minutes in that day also. This is where reality comes into play and again shows itself as being the most important piece of presence in a persons life. When reality hits, whether the expectations were met or not, it can often result in a person being disappointed or not quite fulfilled by the expectation(s). It can leave a person feeling uneasy, unsure, and unmotivated.

For me, I am experiencing these feelings and yet at the same time holding this great compassion for understanding that this is exactly what I wanted to experience/feel. Maybe I didn’t quite understand exactly what it would feel LIKE, but my choice to do this was to have freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I wanted, and however I wanted. And with that I’m recognizing this kind of freedom, in comparison to the growth and effort I’ve put into learning how to just BE, has been infantile. My precious practices of meditation, self-introspection, and growth had mostly been under a general sense of distress and duress. They were the things keeping me sane over the last few years. The feeling I received from them was what I wanted more of in my life. They were the life-source you could say. And they led me to this life change so that I could have the freedom to have those feelings those practices brought me whenever I truly needed them. Not when I had free time or was able to based on work, responsibilities, and all the other life happenings.

But without all the ‘things’, the doing and the doings that I had before… well, it’s left a lot of time in the day. I mean one can only meditate, journal, be in nature, read and write so much. And when there’s nothing ‘planned’ to do like the hiking and adventures… well it leaves me a bit antsy. Not to mention, I don’t always want to do all those things. So now I’m left with the discomfort of being with just me. Of boredom…. Of not knowing what to do with my time or my energy. And that is where I stand currently. Confused… having this pressure to ‘do’ something with my time, ‘do’ something with my energy. But to be completely honest, I have zero fucking clue what to do or what I want to do most of the time thus far!

And the most beautiful thing is… I have to sit with this discomfort. Well sometimes I numb out, watch shows or end up scrolling the platforms I generally dislike. But I often catch myself doing that and stop. I become aware that I have to sit with it and I do. I sit with the discomfort. I question its origin daily and sometimes multiple times a day as this feeling is fluid. Sometimes it crashes like storms swells against the rocky shoreline and sometimes it’s as still as a windless lake. I question all of it. And as I question, I am trying to question with intrigue, curiosity and wonder so that it is without blame, shame, or guilt. The latter definitely still trickles in there telling me I’m a fake for doing this, that I’m not what I think I’m meant to be or who I’m meant to become, and that maybe I don't want to be doing this after all. But as I said in my post about how I got here, there’s a knowing and understanding within me that these things just aren’t true. And so I lean further in to the feeling that I’m meant to be uncomfortable. I’m meant to learn from this discomfort. And even though it feels like the discomfort and unknowing will never end or be figured out, I know it is not unending; Because, if I can question with intrigue, curiosity, and wonder what is this and is in this space, then I am learning. Whether I have any concrete facts or thoughts to show for it or not. The learning may be and is likely to be beyond words at this time and beyond conception. The learning is in feelings not in thoughts or actions.

So it is exactly as the title of this post says, “if you stop doing, you are left only with what you have to feel”. And this is where I am. I have no doing(s) to be done. And thus I am left entirely with what I have to feel. And that, that is what I’m navigating.

There are moments where I fully feel the feelings of freedom, elation, and wonder that I’ve sought or expected I may feel with this change. They are there and they continue to be a guiding light through this confusion and dis-ease. I have been able to still embrace and enjoy these moments of expectations as they come to fruition. And at the same time, I am in the deeply in the midst of the absence of doing and in presence of the vacant infinite. Now, now is when I can really see what my reality is made of. And it feels… well, it feels like an absolute stranger to me.

I feel a little lost, a little aimless, and most definitely a little (nope… a lot) uncomfortable with this absence of doing and vacancy of life.

BUT……

In that, I am being shown so much of my internal and external world that is rediscovering what gives it the ability to be present, to be in wonder of the mundane, and ultimately to be in circular, or non-linear relationship with life and time. In this rediscovery is where I believe I may actually be able to sense with greater clarity what makes this internal and external world of mine feel happy. What brings it joy. What brings it a sense of purpose. What makes it feel playful and infatuated with life. And likely most importantly, it is highlighting where creativity and imagination have been stifled, muted, and/or locked away within my being. Especially after most of the years of my life having been spent filling the space and time needed for nurturance of creativity and imagination with doing. I am being shown where relationship to and with the simplest moments around me have more room for a deeper resonance, acknowledgement, and embodiment.

I trust that in time this stranger will feel less strange. Maybe this stranger and I will even become friends. I hope so. I believe in the possibility for a deeply intimate and authentic connection with this stranger because I believe in the absolute and invaluable amount of wisdom that could be gifted to and upon my Self by becoming friends. And if I should receive such bountiful gifts, then I do so with the greatest humility and humbled gratitude because I don’t think there would be any way to truly give thanks or give back to this stranger for the gifts their friendship has given. But, what I do hope is that in the wisdom I may gain, it can in turn be gifted in some way that is propitious to the people I meet, the communities I take root in, and maybe even the world. That is my hope.

For now, we are just newly acquainting ourselves. We’re in that awkward new phase of friendship where we’ve now met but haven’t quite gotten past the pleasantries. Did you know, The University of Kansas (UoK) reports of a study where “in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Associate Professor of Communication Studies Jeffrey Hall found that it takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple “friend” status and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend” (Reference: news.ku.ed). The UoK goes on to write that Hall said, “we have to put that time in… you can’t snap your fingers and make a friend. Maintaining close relationships is the most important work we do in our lives — most people on their deathbeds agree.”

So it looks like me and this stranger, this feeling and experience of the absence of doing and discomfort in the vacancy that exists, well we are going to need to spend a lot more quality time together before we become friends, let alone close friends. This study gives me hope and stamina to keep trucking through this weird, uncomfortable, and unknowing stage. Not only to keep trucking through, but also to lean deeper into it. To move closer to it so that I can get to know it a little bit better every day. So I can get to know my self in that space more and more every day. To watch myself unfold, inhabit, and shift within the growth of this friendship. Until maybe one day, I may feel so at ease with this feeling, this space, and this energy, and maybe even with myself, that not a moment passes where I am unable to see or identify the infinite possibilities, gratitude, creation, and beauty that is within and around me.

This study is such a beautiful reminder for all relationships in a persons life. A reminder that it takes consistent work, commitment, and dedication to nurture a close relationship. Not only with those you choose around you or your relationship to and within your every day life, but more importantly… the relationship you have with yourself. It is a crucial reminder that if you want to know someone, some energetic, some space, some thing, or yourself better, then you must consciously choose to be with that person, energy, space, or thing. You must actively choose to sit with, experience, learn, and be with whatever or whomever it may be; Spending time and getting to know them/it; Leaning into the discomfort rather than away, as much as you possibly can. And the most important reminder is that it will take time.

Thus, time I will give.

Lean in, get closer, just be.

Without doing, feel.

Questions for the reader:

1. Have you ever truly just allowed yourself to be in the vacancy of non-doing? Giving into the full essence of boredom? What exists there for you? What do you feel?

2. How often do you or do you ever stop the 'doing' enough that it allows for you to get present with what you feel?

3. What level of effort does that take? Is that easy for you or is it hard?

4. Do you think society and typical standards of living allow for this crucial time to be had or discovered?

5. If you wanted to, how could you offer this space to yourself to engage with it fully and completely?

6. And if you don't want to, why not?

7. If you had 12 hours off with just yourself, with no do's needing to be done, nothing needing your attention, no distractions like exercise, books, journals, people, or other things, can you take a moment and imagine how and what you might feel? Just 12 hours...